"....WE SCREAM AT EACH OTHER THEN WE SIT AND TALK ABOUT WHERE IT HURTS " the Amokas share after 31 Years of Marriage
Knowing the right one for you and working it out is one very dillematic condition. But having someone who has been there tell you how it goes and works is really an escape. It has been a 31 year journey of purpose, resolution and commitment for these two, Mr and Mrs Amoka. To mark their 31st marriage anniversary, they took to a little interview, to share their journey experience and testimony. For the singles this is going to be a guide, for young couples this is going to be a checklist.
Why not we have a thrill. So here we go!
Who made the first move when it all started and how was the initial response?
Mr Amoka: I made the first move. She said she’d pray about it and I had to keep following up, asking how far?
What was the key quality you looked out for when choosing a spouse, and what would you advice young people to look out for in their search?
Mr Amoka: For me, it was spirituality. I looked out for a true believer who was clearly committed to God and His work. And that is usually my counsel to young people. After that, I would say, have a source of livelihood. For me I desired someone who wasn’t working. I desired someone who would be at home to care for our children. For the woman, I would recommend that if she has good understanding and trust, and God is providing for the man, she may not need to work outside the home, because the work in the house is so much to deal with. She can support the husband doing so much from around the house.
Mrs Amoka: I desired a God fearing man. Cos I knew that would be a rallying point around which we could build. That would be a common ground for both of us. Second, I desired an academician. I grew up with a father who placed a premium on education, and I felt education would take you anywhere around the world. I cherished and valued education, and I wanted someone I could rapport with at that level. My counsel to young people would be the same for the first quality. The second will however depend on your innate desire. What do you cherish? What is your passion or greatest interest? For some it may be sports, or business. This should rank next.
How did you pick each other out of the many ‘right’ people?
Mr Amoka: She clearly had passion for God’s things. If she came home on short holidays from Zaria, she would go to Word of Truth in Barnawa to collect tracts and other Christian literature to give out. Her contemporaries didn’t have that much zeal. There was ‘foot dragging’ in many of them. I wouldn’t judge anyone to be carnal, but they weren’t really God-chasers in my own opinion. Her background was another thing that made a difference for me. As young people going by her house to drop her off from church, her mum would always give us something to go home with from her shop or kitchen. That was long before I even expressed or had interest in her. So I imagined having someone from that kind of family. I also had knowledge of her strong standing for what she believed in, in areas that mattered to me. As young people in groups, when we chatted, you could tell what people’s values were, and for my wife, hers were clearly ones that aligned to what I believed too.
Mrs Amoka: Simple: I liked him, and I had made up my mind that once I made a commitment, there would be no turning back.
Did you hear God clearly saying you should get married to each other?
Mrs Amoka: to a large extent, yes. I had this awesome relationship with God, and the way I had been hearing Him, when I pray to bring a thing about or let it not be. Like I would say ‘God if it is not your will, discourage this man.’ The more I prayed that prayer, the more encouraged my husband became. I resisted God in this and I knew I was doing that. I didn’t have my peace till I said ‘Lord, take over.’ I also asked God that if it was His will, my dad would accept for us to go ahead, without me having to go back and make a case. And truly, truly, I didn’t have to go back to my dad, it was him asking where is that man.
Mr Amoka: I had my desires, coupled with a resolution that the will of God be done. So, I had expressed my desire to God to have someone that had time for children. And so now came the interest which was sparked up by the charming engagement in evangelism I saw in Julie. She used to go to Baraka Press back in the days to get tracts to share and tell people about the love of Christ. She would climb Mr Emma’s pickup truck after church with such zest. I saw in her an energetic young woman. I got interested and started praying. Then suddenly, there came moments that were to discourage me from saying ‘how are you?’ Her father made her get interested in nursing. And here I was praying for a teacher, not a nurse (as I said, someone who would have time for the children). Nursing would be a shifting business. How would I imagine having someone going to work in the night while I took care of children, and then the irregular kind of schedule? So I was questioning. I prayed a selfish prayer that she wouldn’t be taken in the school of nursing. She came back to say she passed the exam and the interview. So I took it back to God. And while meditating one day, I asked myself, ‘if nursing is a humanitarian job, and a Christian is not to do it, then who should do it?’ That was the question that made me give in to God to take care of everything, and He did. So that gave me the conviction that here was a lady I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Things that were to be obstacles in my mind, God dispelled. So, in summary for me, there was the outward expression of godliness and godly virtue of a very active, vibrant woman, with interest in the things of God
How long did you court/date?
Mrs Amoka: December 2nd 1982 till August 30th 1986 when we finally got married.
What was the view of your parents on cross tribal marriage? Did you both have issues with the fact that you were not from the same place? How were you able to resolve it?
Mrs Amoka: I was not particular about tribes. The only reason I would have wanted to marry from Edo, where I’m from would have been to please my dad. In the process of time, I came to see that inter tribal marriages have more advantages. My dad however made it clear that he did not have anything against Mr Samson as a person, but the tribe. I reported back to the young man then, we sort counsel from older believers and then went back to God in prayer.
How long did it take for your father to agree?
Mrs Amoka: Two years. God did it in His way, and at His time. It happened that my uncle was coming to Zaria for medical check up, so my grandmother sent a message to my dad saying ‘I learnt that Remi said an Ebira man was interested in her. And since then you haven’t seen her with any other person, and she hasn’t misbehaved with him or towards the family in this generation. If anything happens, my hand is not there.’ And that was it. My dad on getting the message summoned me and asked if I knew Mr. Samson’s house. I told him my younger brother did (laughs). So, he sent my younger brother to call Mr. Samson. And the rest they say is history.
Mr Amoka: My initial dream was not to marry an ebira lady, probably because I had never interacted with any in my close circles. From primary school, as a child, I just knew I shouldn’t marry a non-Christian. So, my never meeting any ebira lady made it unlikely that I would end up married to one. My parents were quite liberal too. Of cos they had a preference, but liberal all the same. One of the people that had a strong influence on me (my step mother) wanted me to marry a Yoruba lady. My father too was okay with any descent, but ‘kobo kobo’ as he would say, referring to igbos. That was the only exception he gave.
Do you operate a joint account?
Mr. Amoka: Yes! We started operating a joint account as far back as when we were preparing for our wedding. In our home, the administration of money has always been joint. Either of us could sign and collect money. While raising the children through primary and secondary school, whichever salary came first went for school fees, cos for us that was priority. For their university, we opened three different accounts, one for each child, leaving a standing order from my salary account to fund the children’s three school fees accounts. Mummy’s salary account was used to cater to feeding and general house management. For us finance administration has never been a problem, because we apply the principle of oneness even in that aspect. So what is mine is ours, what is hers is ours.
Mrs Amoka: We had a funny and unique way of operating finances in our home. Funny in the sense that, we had agreed on a joint account, and I fostered it on the principle that if I could surrender my body to a man, what is my money that I can’t surrender? There’s no money that belongs to me, it is OUR money, and that is how we’ve operated since then.
Do you always agree over sex? In always giving each time and every time your partner wants it?
Mrs Amoka: Absolutely not. Not all the time.
Mr Amoka: In Africa, or would I say from my experience, the woman never demands for it. And even when I request or show indication to want it, there is the initial disinterest, then she picks up later.
How do you tolerate each other? With all your excesses and flaws?
Mr Amoka: For me, I’d say trust in knowing that whatever excesses borne by my wife are not meant for harm, but they stem from differences we know must be there. There is the biological difference between a man and woman, background plays a vital role in sharpening how we think. So, understanding of our differences helps a lot.
Mrs Amoka: The fear of God for me has been the Savior. The fact that I know God is interested in our relationship brings me to my knees. So I seek peace for Christ’s sake. I overlook wrongs for Christ’s sake.
How do you handle misunderstandings practically?
Mrs Amoka: Sometimes we scream at each other.
Mr Amoka: then we sit to talk.
Mrs Amoka: we talk about where it is hurting, the way either of us views the issue at hand.
In decision making, we debate, and then reach a compromise. Practical example: in what name for our second child. Dad wanted Anna, but I didn’t want Anna. He asked for reasons, I gave him reasons. Then we went through the bible and settled for ‘Grace’ since it was part of our family motto. For the next child, the name ‘Eunice’ came up. We looked it out in scriptures, found the meaning and that settled it. So, essentially, we want to know the Bible’s stand on matters arising. Another principle we operate by is ‘does it really matter?’
A lot of academic exercise goes into our decision making process. We pray, discuss, each person saying what they think. Many times it turns out the same. But when it is not, we pick a middle ground. How much money to send to parents, spend on food items, etc.
What was (is) the driving force that keeps you going, despite the challenges as it is with all marriages?
Mrs Amoka: The purposefulness to make my marriage work. I had purposed in my heart that come sun, come rain, my marriage must work. And I had made up my mind not to share my marital problems with anyone, not even my mother. That has been really helpful. It’s only now that we are very transparent with the children sometimes, so they don’t think marriage is pure bliss, and end up with false expectations, thinking the person they married is a demon. It can be bitter sometimes.
Mr Amoka: Our Father in the Lord would always ask me what scripture I received from God before entering into this institution. I had this scripture from John 17:24 (even though not marriage related), that the fact that Jesus prayed that where He is, we would be also to behold His glory forever. So I imagined that if marriage was for life, then I had the grace from God to stay with this woman for life, beholding her glory. If we could spend eternity beholding God’s glory, and that would be enough, then I could have this woman as the center of my world and not get bored.
How were you able to bring up your children the way you did?
Mrs Amoka: By applying biblical principles. Talking, using the cane, prayers, and the bible. And living by example.
Mr Amoka: we had a strong conviction to lay hold on God’s promises; ‘train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it’, ‘we and our children will be for signs and wonders.’ I held on to those scriptures and more and trusted God for the fulfilment. Then the command of God to teach the children, Deuteronomy 6:7. Also, children are the heritage of God. Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 6:7, Isaiah 8:18, Psalm 127:3. So we trusted God, praying those promises. We also tried from their childhood to say those words to them and pressed home these passages. Also, Ephesians 6:1-3: children admonished to obey their parents because this is first command with a promise, so it can be well with them, and they would live long. We read and taught these scriptures as often as possible. As they grew up, we started adding ‘knowing the will of God’ to them with Proverbs 3:5 and 6 as a major scripture. We also had Proverbs 1:7-10 while they were going off into boarding school. So very key for us; God’s word, prayer and trust in His promises and of cos we used every opportunity to talk to the children while in the car, going out, etc. Even when sometimes we didn’t have traditional family devotions, we made sure that the act of praying was employed in every situation. Also, taking the children along to church. We were also strict about meeting the children’s needs especially education wise. We also made it a point of duty to build up their self-esteem by attending their school functions and other important events for them.
When it became necessary, we added the cane because we also believe in the ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ principle. One other principle we practiced was to not quarrel over discipline of children. We always presented one mind as to disciplinary issues. So the children heard one voice from us as parents. We had time to attend to homework, do assignments together. Even when they got to university level, they were free to send their projects for us to make suggestions where necessary. It made us feel good to be part of their growth and development every step of the way.
Mrs Amoka: For us, we never allowed for sleeping over in other homes. It was not in our family tradition. Also, by allowing our children’s friends into our home freely, we could study them and know what we were up against. We always paid school fees promptly too. I would say prayers were the bedrock. For every concern, we took it to the Lord in prayer.
Mr Amoka: We tried to have a schedule for each child. E.g. we picked the day of the week each child was born to specially remember, pray for them and give special attention. No day passed by that we didn’t pray for each child.
Mrs Amoka: Also, keeping a record of their development consciously.
Mr Amoka: The children were allowed to ask questions, and chat freely over anything and everything, anytime.
Mrs Amoka: we played when we should play and everyone knew when it was serious business. Very importantly too, we taught them contentment and showed it.
What do you consider the most important quality needed in sustaining a long lasting relationship/marriage?
Mr Amoka: Godliness, trust between partners.
Mrs Amoka: Definitely trust.
Why not we have a thrill. So here we go!
Who made the first move when it all started and how was the initial response?
Mr Amoka: I made the first move. She said she’d pray about it and I had to keep following up, asking how far?
What was the key quality you looked out for when choosing a spouse, and what would you advice young people to look out for in their search?
Mr Amoka: For me, it was spirituality. I looked out for a true believer who was clearly committed to God and His work. And that is usually my counsel to young people. After that, I would say, have a source of livelihood. For me I desired someone who wasn’t working. I desired someone who would be at home to care for our children. For the woman, I would recommend that if she has good understanding and trust, and God is providing for the man, she may not need to work outside the home, because the work in the house is so much to deal with. She can support the husband doing so much from around the house.
Mrs Amoka: I desired a God fearing man. Cos I knew that would be a rallying point around which we could build. That would be a common ground for both of us. Second, I desired an academician. I grew up with a father who placed a premium on education, and I felt education would take you anywhere around the world. I cherished and valued education, and I wanted someone I could rapport with at that level. My counsel to young people would be the same for the first quality. The second will however depend on your innate desire. What do you cherish? What is your passion or greatest interest? For some it may be sports, or business. This should rank next.
How did you pick each other out of the many ‘right’ people?
Mr Amoka: She clearly had passion for God’s things. If she came home on short holidays from Zaria, she would go to Word of Truth in Barnawa to collect tracts and other Christian literature to give out. Her contemporaries didn’t have that much zeal. There was ‘foot dragging’ in many of them. I wouldn’t judge anyone to be carnal, but they weren’t really God-chasers in my own opinion. Her background was another thing that made a difference for me. As young people going by her house to drop her off from church, her mum would always give us something to go home with from her shop or kitchen. That was long before I even expressed or had interest in her. So I imagined having someone from that kind of family. I also had knowledge of her strong standing for what she believed in, in areas that mattered to me. As young people in groups, when we chatted, you could tell what people’s values were, and for my wife, hers were clearly ones that aligned to what I believed too.
Mrs Amoka: Simple: I liked him, and I had made up my mind that once I made a commitment, there would be no turning back.
Did you hear God clearly saying you should get married to each other?
Mrs Amoka: to a large extent, yes. I had this awesome relationship with God, and the way I had been hearing Him, when I pray to bring a thing about or let it not be. Like I would say ‘God if it is not your will, discourage this man.’ The more I prayed that prayer, the more encouraged my husband became. I resisted God in this and I knew I was doing that. I didn’t have my peace till I said ‘Lord, take over.’ I also asked God that if it was His will, my dad would accept for us to go ahead, without me having to go back and make a case. And truly, truly, I didn’t have to go back to my dad, it was him asking where is that man.
Mr Amoka: I had my desires, coupled with a resolution that the will of God be done. So, I had expressed my desire to God to have someone that had time for children. And so now came the interest which was sparked up by the charming engagement in evangelism I saw in Julie. She used to go to Baraka Press back in the days to get tracts to share and tell people about the love of Christ. She would climb Mr Emma’s pickup truck after church with such zest. I saw in her an energetic young woman. I got interested and started praying. Then suddenly, there came moments that were to discourage me from saying ‘how are you?’ Her father made her get interested in nursing. And here I was praying for a teacher, not a nurse (as I said, someone who would have time for the children). Nursing would be a shifting business. How would I imagine having someone going to work in the night while I took care of children, and then the irregular kind of schedule? So I was questioning. I prayed a selfish prayer that she wouldn’t be taken in the school of nursing. She came back to say she passed the exam and the interview. So I took it back to God. And while meditating one day, I asked myself, ‘if nursing is a humanitarian job, and a Christian is not to do it, then who should do it?’ That was the question that made me give in to God to take care of everything, and He did. So that gave me the conviction that here was a lady I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Things that were to be obstacles in my mind, God dispelled. So, in summary for me, there was the outward expression of godliness and godly virtue of a very active, vibrant woman, with interest in the things of God
How long did you court/date?
Mrs Amoka: December 2nd 1982 till August 30th 1986 when we finally got married.
What was the view of your parents on cross tribal marriage? Did you both have issues with the fact that you were not from the same place? How were you able to resolve it?
Mrs Amoka: I was not particular about tribes. The only reason I would have wanted to marry from Edo, where I’m from would have been to please my dad. In the process of time, I came to see that inter tribal marriages have more advantages. My dad however made it clear that he did not have anything against Mr Samson as a person, but the tribe. I reported back to the young man then, we sort counsel from older believers and then went back to God in prayer.
How long did it take for your father to agree?
Mrs Amoka: Two years. God did it in His way, and at His time. It happened that my uncle was coming to Zaria for medical check up, so my grandmother sent a message to my dad saying ‘I learnt that Remi said an Ebira man was interested in her. And since then you haven’t seen her with any other person, and she hasn’t misbehaved with him or towards the family in this generation. If anything happens, my hand is not there.’ And that was it. My dad on getting the message summoned me and asked if I knew Mr. Samson’s house. I told him my younger brother did (laughs). So, he sent my younger brother to call Mr. Samson. And the rest they say is history.
Mr Amoka: My initial dream was not to marry an ebira lady, probably because I had never interacted with any in my close circles. From primary school, as a child, I just knew I shouldn’t marry a non-Christian. So, my never meeting any ebira lady made it unlikely that I would end up married to one. My parents were quite liberal too. Of cos they had a preference, but liberal all the same. One of the people that had a strong influence on me (my step mother) wanted me to marry a Yoruba lady. My father too was okay with any descent, but ‘kobo kobo’ as he would say, referring to igbos. That was the only exception he gave.
Do you operate a joint account?
Mr. Amoka: Yes! We started operating a joint account as far back as when we were preparing for our wedding. In our home, the administration of money has always been joint. Either of us could sign and collect money. While raising the children through primary and secondary school, whichever salary came first went for school fees, cos for us that was priority. For their university, we opened three different accounts, one for each child, leaving a standing order from my salary account to fund the children’s three school fees accounts. Mummy’s salary account was used to cater to feeding and general house management. For us finance administration has never been a problem, because we apply the principle of oneness even in that aspect. So what is mine is ours, what is hers is ours.
Mrs Amoka: We had a funny and unique way of operating finances in our home. Funny in the sense that, we had agreed on a joint account, and I fostered it on the principle that if I could surrender my body to a man, what is my money that I can’t surrender? There’s no money that belongs to me, it is OUR money, and that is how we’ve operated since then.
Do you always agree over sex? In always giving each time and every time your partner wants it?
Mrs Amoka: Absolutely not. Not all the time.
Mr Amoka: In Africa, or would I say from my experience, the woman never demands for it. And even when I request or show indication to want it, there is the initial disinterest, then she picks up later.
How do you tolerate each other? With all your excesses and flaws?
Mr Amoka: For me, I’d say trust in knowing that whatever excesses borne by my wife are not meant for harm, but they stem from differences we know must be there. There is the biological difference between a man and woman, background plays a vital role in sharpening how we think. So, understanding of our differences helps a lot.
Mrs Amoka: The fear of God for me has been the Savior. The fact that I know God is interested in our relationship brings me to my knees. So I seek peace for Christ’s sake. I overlook wrongs for Christ’s sake.
How do you handle misunderstandings practically?
Mrs Amoka: Sometimes we scream at each other.
Mr Amoka: then we sit to talk.
Mrs Amoka: we talk about where it is hurting, the way either of us views the issue at hand.
In decision making, we debate, and then reach a compromise. Practical example: in what name for our second child. Dad wanted Anna, but I didn’t want Anna. He asked for reasons, I gave him reasons. Then we went through the bible and settled for ‘Grace’ since it was part of our family motto. For the next child, the name ‘Eunice’ came up. We looked it out in scriptures, found the meaning and that settled it. So, essentially, we want to know the Bible’s stand on matters arising. Another principle we operate by is ‘does it really matter?’
A lot of academic exercise goes into our decision making process. We pray, discuss, each person saying what they think. Many times it turns out the same. But when it is not, we pick a middle ground. How much money to send to parents, spend on food items, etc.
What was (is) the driving force that keeps you going, despite the challenges as it is with all marriages?
Mrs Amoka: The purposefulness to make my marriage work. I had purposed in my heart that come sun, come rain, my marriage must work. And I had made up my mind not to share my marital problems with anyone, not even my mother. That has been really helpful. It’s only now that we are very transparent with the children sometimes, so they don’t think marriage is pure bliss, and end up with false expectations, thinking the person they married is a demon. It can be bitter sometimes.
Mr Amoka: Our Father in the Lord would always ask me what scripture I received from God before entering into this institution. I had this scripture from John 17:24 (even though not marriage related), that the fact that Jesus prayed that where He is, we would be also to behold His glory forever. So I imagined that if marriage was for life, then I had the grace from God to stay with this woman for life, beholding her glory. If we could spend eternity beholding God’s glory, and that would be enough, then I could have this woman as the center of my world and not get bored.
How were you able to bring up your children the way you did?
Mrs Amoka: By applying biblical principles. Talking, using the cane, prayers, and the bible. And living by example.
Mr Amoka: we had a strong conviction to lay hold on God’s promises; ‘train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it’, ‘we and our children will be for signs and wonders.’ I held on to those scriptures and more and trusted God for the fulfilment. Then the command of God to teach the children, Deuteronomy 6:7. Also, children are the heritage of God. Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 6:7, Isaiah 8:18, Psalm 127:3. So we trusted God, praying those promises. We also tried from their childhood to say those words to them and pressed home these passages. Also, Ephesians 6:1-3: children admonished to obey their parents because this is first command with a promise, so it can be well with them, and they would live long. We read and taught these scriptures as often as possible. As they grew up, we started adding ‘knowing the will of God’ to them with Proverbs 3:5 and 6 as a major scripture. We also had Proverbs 1:7-10 while they were going off into boarding school. So very key for us; God’s word, prayer and trust in His promises and of cos we used every opportunity to talk to the children while in the car, going out, etc. Even when sometimes we didn’t have traditional family devotions, we made sure that the act of praying was employed in every situation. Also, taking the children along to church. We were also strict about meeting the children’s needs especially education wise. We also made it a point of duty to build up their self-esteem by attending their school functions and other important events for them.
When it became necessary, we added the cane because we also believe in the ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ principle. One other principle we practiced was to not quarrel over discipline of children. We always presented one mind as to disciplinary issues. So the children heard one voice from us as parents. We had time to attend to homework, do assignments together. Even when they got to university level, they were free to send their projects for us to make suggestions where necessary. It made us feel good to be part of their growth and development every step of the way.
Mrs Amoka: For us, we never allowed for sleeping over in other homes. It was not in our family tradition. Also, by allowing our children’s friends into our home freely, we could study them and know what we were up against. We always paid school fees promptly too. I would say prayers were the bedrock. For every concern, we took it to the Lord in prayer.
Mr Amoka: We tried to have a schedule for each child. E.g. we picked the day of the week each child was born to specially remember, pray for them and give special attention. No day passed by that we didn’t pray for each child.
Mrs Amoka: Also, keeping a record of their development consciously.
Mr Amoka: The children were allowed to ask questions, and chat freely over anything and everything, anytime.
Mrs Amoka: we played when we should play and everyone knew when it was serious business. Very importantly too, we taught them contentment and showed it.
What do you consider the most important quality needed in sustaining a long lasting relationship/marriage?
Mr Amoka: Godliness, trust between partners.
Mrs Amoka: Definitely trust.
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xcellent!
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