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"The next thing I know I'm curled up like a ball and I'm repeatedly being punched" Benda Mariah shares with us her story of domestic violence


My name is Benda. I was physically abused by my boyfriend. It used to be really hard for me to talk about my past relationship. I always felt really embarrassed and some times sad. When I talk about being physically and more so mentally abused by my ex-boyfriend, people always seem to feel uncomfortable or even nervous. I sometimes get the feeling that they expect me to be ashamed of the situation. Even if that's what they wanted, me to feel shame, I wouldn't.
This is how it happened. 
It was the first time things got physically violent. We were laying in his bed and the lights were off. We were having an actual argument but were dealing with it in a flirtatious sort of a fight. He said something to me and I hit him. I meant to hit him softly but I couldn't see anything since the lights were off and he was closer than I thought. I hit him really hard in the head and it sounded like it hurt. It sounded like it hurt bad
I hit him, gasp and immediately apologize. The next thing I know, I'm curled up in a ball and I'm repeatedly being punched. He's punching me really hard like I'm literally a punching bag. He's like a little boy having a tantrum and I'm the pillow he's punching to take out all his anger. I'm curled up in a ball for I don't know how long but I remember wondering when it would end. The entire time I'm frozen and I'm screaming "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." When he finally does stop, he turns on the light. I run out of the room and sob myself to sleep on the couch. I'm crying not because it hurt(even though it did. The bruise covered my entire hip and I couldn't sleep on it for two weeks). I was crying because I had realized what had happened. I realized what was happening and I couldn't believe it was happening to me. He scared me. There were far scarier things that happened but I won't mention them because I know it'll make some people uncomfortable. I was abused. Don't blame the victim.
I still think about him but it doesn't make me sad any more and I haven't gotten the urge to contact him for a while. I walk around naked sometimes because there's no one here to watch me and my body doesn't disgust me anymore. Sometimes I catch myself looking in the mirror a little longer than normal and every once in a while I'll say something to my reflection. You might have to live alone to understand. I talk to myself silently and out loud and half of my thoughts make me burst out in hysterical laughter. I've become my own best friend. And as vein as it might sound I have fallen completely head over heels in love with myself. I don't want to be single. I think it would be nice to pay attention to one single person and have that single person pay all their attention to me.
People think I'm damaged but I feel so much stronger. Our relationship changed me in so many different ways and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

That was Benda Mariah share with us on her story of domestic violence. An abuser does not care who he abuses. It is more heartbreaking when you are abused by one who should protect you.
We are glad she got over it and has her life back.
Let's say no to domestic violence, sexual abuse and other related ills.
Are you a survivor or a victim of this ill? Your are not alone. Why not let yourself heal. Share your story and let others heal from it
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